Envy

ENVY

“Maa! Where is my new doll?” asked a furious Pahi, animosity reflecting in her brown eyes. “I bet Nirmali has hidden it! My new doll !” Pahi shrieked again.

A plethora of things lay crooked on the floor.

An array of clothes lay in an inert mess, gigantic stuffed toys sat forlorn on the cold floor dumped unceremoniously from the toy-closet.

The stage was set for another one of Pahi’s ‘famed’ outbursts’.

Pahi! Search again! It must be lying somewhere hidden among your other toys!” exclaimed Sandhya, Pahi’s mother, exasperated.

Outside the brightly decorated bedroom a frail -looking little girl stood near the doorway, separated from the dramatic scenario unfurling inside the room.

“What are you gawking at? Come here! Help me!” fumed Pahi glaring at the on-looking figure. Nirmali, their young house-help, rushed to Pahi’s side. Crouched on all fours, she too joined in the search operation.

A few moments later,“ Ba! Look! I have found your doll. It was lying under your bed…” said Nirmali softly, cradling the delicate figurine on her reedy twig-like arms.

Grabbing the truant doll from Nirmali’s outstretched hand Pahi asked suspiciously, her brows raised, “Well! How did it get there?”

“Pahi…Thank Nirmali for finding your doll!,” Pahi’s mother interposed sternly. “Thank you!”  Pahi rushed out of the room happily; all the tears and anger forgotten.

Last summer…“Pahi, this is Nirmali. She will be your playmate!” introduced her mother cheerfully.

Pahi’s mother was sitting in the living room; a thin girl stood shyly near her mother twisting the hem of her tattered frock between her little fingers.

Pahi looked at the younger girl; “She is thin like a stick!”, thought Pahi scornfully. Without any reservations she blurted out, “Ma! She is so dirty!” her lips twisted in disapproval.

“That is alright… She has just come here from her village.” Pahi nodded indifferently and scuttled off to her room.  Sandhya, though taken slightly aback at her daughter’s unenthusiastic welcome, smiled at the little girl reassuringly.

Soon Nirmali would trail behind Sandhya ubiquitously like a little duckling following the mother duck, her eyes round and seeking approval.

Nirmali’s presence was like a breath of fresh air for Sandhya. Her husband, Diganta, an engineer working for an oil exploring company, had been transferred to a small town in Upper Assam, far away from Guwahati. After Diganta’s transfer had been finalized, it was he who suggested to Sandhya to keep someone at home.

At first Sandhya was reluctant; “I can manage everything, Diganta. You do not have to worry. The part-time help is good enough” she would say. But when their chauffeur, Ramen brought Nirmali to their house, she could not help but feel sad at Nirmali’s poignant plight.

Nirmali was an abandoned child, cast off by her own poverty- stricken parents. “Pahi would love to have a friend” she thought when she finally decided to ‘adopt’ Nirmali.

During the first few days, “ Mami! Look at this!” Nirmali would scream breathlessly, pointing her finger towards the flickering screen of the television set. Sandhya would come rushing only to find Nirmali chortling in delight, her round eyes glued to the television screen.

“Nirmali! You almost scared me to death! ”would reprimand an amused Sandhya, feigning anger.

One day Sandhya went grocery-shopping to a nearby supermarket in Panbazar, “Twenty- Four Seven”. She took Nirmali along with her….

Nirmali was enthralled by the motley of goods, neatly arranged on the gigantic shelves. Not able to contain her delight she gazed at the brightly coloured packages in stupefaction.

She whispered conspiratorially “ Mami ! So many things! The shop owner must be very rich. Our village shop does not have half of these things!”

Sandhya smiled at Niramli’s guileless remark. She picked up a cheap pack of multi-coloured hair-clips for Nirmali.

Nirmali almost cried in glee when Sandhya handed her the packet reaching home. “Mami! Is this mine?” she asked, not being able to believe her eyes.

That evening, Pahi had come in to watch her favourite animated show, “The Tom and Jerry Show”….she and her mother would always watch it together. It was her most loved time of the day when she and her mother would sit on the settee and watch the show together, both erupting into fits of laughter enchanted by the comical antics of the characters of the show.

“Maa! I have seen the new hair clips you gave Nirmali. Where are mine?” smiled Pahi expectantly.

Sandhya clasped her forehead with her hand; she had completely forgotten to buy something for little Pahi.

“Oh Pahi! I am really sorry! I promise to get you new ones the next time I go to the super-market” Sandhya replied appealingly.

Pahi threw a piercing glance at her mother, her eyes looked hurt and accusatory. Pools of tears now gathered around her eyes, half-hidden by her long lashes. “Maa, you don’t love me!” her lips quivered; tear drops meandered across her plump cheeks. Nirmali was sitting on a murha near the sofa……she was puzzled by Pahi’s tears.

With a sudden insight she said, “Ba! Here! Don’t cry! Take these clips! ,” Nirmali carefully placed the packet of hair clips on Pahi’s palms.

Nirmali had been so enraptured and thrilled with her gift that she had been holding her the tiny packet the whole evening.

“Do you think I am crying for your cheap clips? Don’t you know that I have hundreds?” screamed a livid Pahi; she could not believe the audacity of the village girl .Throwing the packet on the floor , she ran out of the living room slamming the door shut.

Sandhya looked at Nirmali uncomfortably, suddenly embarrassed before the young girl. Picking up the tiny packet from the floor, she handed it to the little girl. “Nirmali! Those clips are yours! I will get Pahi new ones the next time,” said Sandhya , her voice solemn.

“I will have to talk to Diganta !” she thought unhappily, “How do I make Pahi understand?”

Some weeks later, Diganta came to Guwahati on a four-day leave; Pahi was euphoric. She was her father’s pet….she was happy to be near her father.

“Deuta! Will you take me to the new water-park? All of my friends have gone there! They say that there are huge water slides!” persisted Pahi; she was sitting happily on her father’s lap.

“Tomorrow!” replied Diganta smilingly.

Happiness erupting in her eyes, “Yay! Nirmali…Nirmali! Tomorrow Deuta is taking us to the new water-park” shouted Pahi as she ran towards Nirmali.

Nirmali was dusting the window-sills; she smiled shyly, her lips quivering with delight.

Sandhya rolled her eyes towards Diganta. “Now you have to keep your promise!” teased Sandhya.

“Didn’t I say not to worry? After all, kids will be kids!”  Diganta chuckled, a smug smile plastered on his face.

After Diganta’s short visit, the household seemed to enter a state of bliss; it was as if the visit had soothed Pahi’s burgeoning jealousy into a state of dormancy.

On Pahi’s holidays, the two little girls would play with the daintily dressed dolls on the terrace for hours together; their giggles and happy laughter permeating the air.

“Oi Nirmali! Do you know that Deuta got me this doll from Singapore?” For Nirmali the word “Singapore” would sound as exotic as Guwahati did to her a few months back; nevertheless she would nod her head fervently and gaze wistfully at Pahi’s dolls.

Nirmali would hover near Pahi trying to please her new ba, her sister. Though things seemed to have become better, sometimes envy would raise its ugly head in the ostensibly peaceful household.  Pahi would at times lash out viciously at Nirmali making her cry for no fault of hers.

“Pahi! Why do you scold her? ” Sandhya would reprimand.

“Ma! I have told her not to touch my things!”

Exhausted, Sandhya would walk out of the room wordlessly, leaving a furious Pahi behind.

Sandhya would feel miserable every time she would see Nirmali’s crestfallen face. Guilt-stricken she would avert her eyes away whenever she saw Nirmali wiping her tears silently off her bony face, standing by the window -sill looking at the open blue sky.

It was Pahi’s eleventh birthday. Diganta had decided to come over for his daughter’s birthday celebration. Nirmali was excited too; she had accompanied her “Mami” to the super-market to buy things for Pahi Ba’s birthday bash.

“Mami! What is a birthday party?” Nirmali was wiping the porcelain dishes. She and her Mami were arranging the cutlery on the dining table for the evening birthday party.

“Hmm! Birthday party is a time when children come over, play and eat. The room would be decorated with huge balloons and ribbons! When Pahi and Mama comes back from the market, you can help them to blow the balloons…”

“Balloons!” shrieked Nirmali.

CRASH!!

In her exhilaration, Nirmali had dropped the dish she was wiping.

With a loud shattering noise the fragile dish fell on the floor, breaking into thousand tiny pieces.

Nirmali looked stunned; she had not meant to break the dish. She kept staring at the broken dish fearfully, not daring to move. “Mami will surely beat me for breaking it!” she thought in dread, her heart beating fast.

“Go! Bring the broom!”a calm voice reached Nirmali’s ears.

Nirmali gawked at Sandhya bewildered, tears welling up in her eyes, “Mami…aren’t you…aren’t you going to beat me?” she asked in a low whisper, her voice tremulous.

“Why?”  Sandhya continued to sort the cutlery, her hands hovering over the dinner plates, “Aren’t you my daughter too?”

Nirmali was astounded by Sandhya’s words. Rushing towards Sandhya she embraced her tightly.

“Go! Go! Bring the broom!”  Sandhya was now laughing, her heart touched at the little girl’s embrace.

Pahi and her father suddenly walked in; they had gone to the market to buy the birthday decorations for the party.

Pahi’s eyes narrowed …she could not believe her eyes…..the sight of her mother hugging Nirmali assaulted her happy mood.

“What on earth has happened here?” her father asked laughing, puzzled looking at the two figures locked in embrace.

“Nothing! Did you bring the balloons and the chocolates?” smiled Sandhya, looking at Pahi. Without a word, Pahi walked towards her room silently, a myriads of confused thoughts flurrying across her mind.

Pahi was sitting on her bed sorting the return gifts when a soft familiar voice spoke

“Pahi ba! Mami has sent you this glass of orange juice. Where will I keep this tray?”

“Get out! Get out from my room! How dare you come here?”

CLANG!

The tray fell over; orange stains grew bigger on the clean white carpet.

Hearing the commotion her father rushed in; “What is all this? Why are you screaming?” he asked angrily, his voice now raised a few decibels over.

Pahi immediately quietened down; she was afraid of her father whenever he would be in this infuriated frame of mind.

“Nothing, Deuta!” a meek reply escaped from Pahi.

Looking sternly at his daughter, Diganta said, “It is your birthday… Nirmali has been working hard with your mother the entire morning decorating and cleaning the house for your party. I will not put up with such behavior….. I will cancel this party if you go on behaving like this….Clean up this mess at once!”

“Sorry Deuta!” stuttered Pahi, fury throbbing in her heart.

By the evening the living room looked like a picture-perfect party hall complete with colourful balloons and streamers.

A small space had been cleared for Pahi to hold a dance session with her friends; colourful blinking lights completed the ambience. The hired penguin-looking black and white uniformed caterers were arranging the eating area, cauldrons bubbling with exotic food items were arranged on the neatly decorated tables.

Nirmali stood in the kitchen peeping across…..she had never seen such a grand gathering ever before in her life. Every corner of the house glowed brightly, illuminated by the decorative candles tastefully arranged by Pahi’s mother.

“It is like the land of fairies!” Nirmali happily thought, remembering the magical stories her mother used to tell her back in her small hamlet. She could not remember her own Janma- tithi……. on one occasion her mother had taken her to the Chandika Mandir in the next village to light an oil- lamp as an offering to the deity.

“Nirmali! Where are you?” a voice called out, Nirmali shook herself out of her reverie. Mami was holding a frilly frock in her hand. “Wear this for the party. It is Pahi’s old frock. It does not fit her. I think it will fit you beautifully….Here! Joldi pindh! Get dressed quickly!” Pahi’s mother added, sizing the frock up on Nirmali’s bony shoulders.

Nirmali’s hands shook as she held her new dress; she had never owned anything that beautiful ever before in her life. Eyes shining, Nirmali scampered to her “room” to change into her new frock.

Guests started to trickle in as hours turned late in the evening.

Little Pahi’s heart sang with happiness; all her friends had fervently complimented her on her new silvery dress her mother had given her. She stood amidst her friends twirling her new flowy dress happily.

Chatting incessantly with her friends, all of a sudden, she caught the glimpse of Nirmali. Nirmali was standing timidly near the corridor, smiling tentatively at the guests.

“Sandhya! Who is the little girl? Is she your relative?” she heard someone ask her mother. Staring at Nirmali, she realized that Nirmali was wearing her old dress.

Pahi’s excitement died down abruptly. Neither her friends nor the games could delight her anymore; she wished for the party to get over soon.

Pahi tossed & turned around on her soft bed that night…..she could not get the image of Nirmali smiling and playing with her friends out of her troubled mind. She threw her pillow on the floor angrily. “Why does not Maa send her away?” she thought, angry tears trickling from her eyes.

It was a week later after Pahi’s birthday celebration.

One scorching afternoon, Pahi’s mother stood patiently with the other parents under the cool shade of the huge Krishnasura tree standing majestically in the school compound.

She looked around….. She could see little girls with backpacks rushing towards their beaming parents.

She glanced at her watch….. Pahi was late as usual, she must be playing somewhere with her friend, Sandhya thought, a sudden disquiet growing on her mind. She realized that almost half an hour had gone by since Pahi’s classes had been over.

Frowning she started to walk towards Pahi’s classroom. A deserted room greeted her eyes, the wooden chairs were hanging upside down petulantly on the desks.

The two janitors cleaning the room looked up startled at the unexpected entry of Sandya,“ Baideou! Did you want to meet someone?” asked one of them hesitantly.

“Do you know Pahi Bujorbora? … Have you seen her? She studies here!”

“No! Baideou! We do not know anyone here. We sweep the classrooms after the school gets over.”

Muttering her gratitude, Sandhya traced her steps back. Premonition of something ill-happening invaded her heart.

Pahi’s class-teacher emerged from the staff-room with a colleague… Sandhya rushed towards her.

Not wanting to sound foolish, Sandhya ventured, “Good Afternoon! I am Pahi’s mother. I can’t seem to find her anywhere…..Do you know where she might be?”

Pahi’s teacher looked askance, “Sorry! But she left the classroom when the last bell rang….. She might be playing somewhere with her friends.”

Thanking her, a flustered Sandhya rushed towards the brick-layered play-ground….. Pahi was nowhere in sight.

Sandhya instinctively took out her cell-phone and called her husband. “Diganta! Diganta! I can’t seem to find Pahi anywhere…..She is not in her school!” tears rolled freely on Sandhya’s cheeks.

“Stay calm; Sandhya! Look around the area near the school. I am calling up my brother. I will ask him to come over to the school immediately!”

Sandhya rushed out of the school compound….she hollered to her driver to stay back in the school -complex.

Sandhya swiftly ran to the shops nearby. Taking out her cell-phone, she clicked open a tiny image of Pahi.

“Please! Have you seen this girl somewhere? She is my daughter!” sobbed Sandhya. A crowd had by now gathered near her.

A traffic policeman walked up to her “ Baideou! Ki hol? What happened?” Sobbing, Sandhya enumerated the whole episode.

A man volunteered, “Baideou! I think I have seen this girl. She was standing near the bus-stop.”

Without wasting another moment, Sandhya and the traffic-policeman rushed towards the spot the man had pointed.

Sandhya came to a sudden halt; she could see Pahi standing among a mélange of people waiting for their buses.

“Pahi!” she screamed, she was now beyond caring of the need to maintain social grace.

Pahi looked across……her face became contorted and twisted in fear on catching the glimpse of her mother’s distraught face.

“Pahi! What on earth are you doing here? Why are you not inside your school compound?” shouted Sandhya, fighting the urge to slap her little girl.

Suddenly conscious of the on-lookers, Sandhya turned towards the policeman. “Thank you for your help!” She thanked him fervently, tears framing her face. Looking kindly at the hysterical mother, the traffic policeman nodded his head and left.

Feigning a smiling face at the crowd, she clutched Pahi’s hand tightly and slowly walked away towards the parking lot.

Her driver came running, “Baideou! You found her!” he exclaimed relieved. “Let’s go home…..I am tired” replied Sandhya quietly, her panic now subsiding.

Much later … “Pahi! Why did you do that?”  Sandhya tried to keep her fury away from her tremulous voice. She was now standing in her beautifully decorated living room…..she clenched and unclenched her hands, not sure of her feelings.

Pahi stood silently, her eyes cast downwards.

A long silence followed……

“Answer me!”  Sandhya voice turned harsh.

Droplets of tears rolled down. “Ma! I hate Nirmali…. You and Deuta love her… You do not love me…. I will not stay here!”

Sandhya sat down on the settee….. She could not believe what she was hearing.

A crow cawed nearby, the brittle silence was still.

“You tried to run away!” Sandhya blurted in realization, her heart not believing her own words.

“Did you try to run away?” she whispered, her energy draining out of her body.

Pahi cried, “Will you give me away now that you have Nirmali?”

Sandhya could not believe that she was hearing such words from her own daughter. She could not even comprehend what was going on inside her daughter’s volatile mind.

Astounded beyond words, Sandhya replied, feigning calmness, “That is enough! Pahi! Go to your room…..Your exam is round the corner.” Getting up, Sandhya walked past her daughter to her bedroom.

Closing the door behind her, Sandhya sat on her bed heavily, feeling tired and old. “Where have I failed as a mother? Where have I fallen short in bringing up my own daughter as a good person? Where?….” thousands of probing questions darted and flitted across her mind.

Tired, she lay on her bed resting her throbbing head on her pillow. She felt her husband’s absence……he would have known what to do, she thought.

That night, Sandhya made a decision….she called Nirmali to her side.

“Nirmali! I think you should go to your home for a short visit. It will be a nice change for you……I will call you back after a few weeks!” she lied, her hollow promise sounding flat even to her own ears. Her troubled eyes dug through Nirmali’s…… Sandhya had never felt so guilt-ridden or wretched ever before.

A guileless little girl was being banished to a life-long of exile; the broken promises she had made, the vivid dreams she had shown Nirmali were turning into dust, a dust swept away by the test of her probity….a test where the honour of her words failed miserably. Nirmali! I have called her my daughter….she recalled.

”This will be in the best interest for everyone!” she thought pacifying her unsteady heart, stifling her turbulent emotions.

Nirmali’s kept staring at her feet.

“Mami! Are you sending me away?” Nirmali’s soft voice asked; her eyes down-cast.

“No! It is just for a little while, I promise” Sandhya lied, her eyes now threatening to become watery.

“Mami! My father will beat me! He beats me when he is drunk. I will do everything you say…..Please do not send me home!” Nirmali kneeled on the floor and clutched Sandhya’s hand. “I will have to starve for days….. Mami, please do not send me away.”

“Nirmali, I will bring you back. I promise…” Sandhya caressed Nirmali’s face, wiping her tears. “Go! Pack your things. Ramen, our driver will take you to your village tomorrow morning.”

Not being able to bear the sight of Nirmali’s crestfallen face any longer, Sandhya got up and left.

The living room resonated with Nirmali’s heart-rending sobs……Sandhya stood by her closed door listening to the sobs till they finally died down.

Dawn broke in heralding a new morning…..a new day. Pahi was still sleeping, undisturbed and untouched by the chaos she had created.

Nirmali was dressed in a plain cotton -frock Sandhya had bought for her from Fancy Bazar a few months back, “Mami!  I am leaving!”, Nirmali bent to touch Sandhya’s feet.

Sandhya clasped the little girl in her trembling arms.

Ramen, the driver walked through the main door.

“Ramen! Take this envelope. It has some money…. Give it to Nirmali’s parents….. Drive carefully….” Sandhya could utter no more words.

Silently, Nirmali picked up a little bag and walked out with Ramen.

Sandhya stood transfixed like a figure carved out of stone. She could hear the car- engine start. Moments later she heard the car drive away, tires squealing on the gravel driveway.

Sandhya entered the tiny cubicle where Nirmali used to sleep. A small parcel made of old newspapers caught her eye. Curious, she tore the wrappings open.

The old dress she gave Nirmali on Pahi’s birthday lay neatly folded…….the silver trimmings glittering softly in the gentle morning haze.